Film Production Class

Okay, so like, I'm not a filmmaker, okay? I am a nerd who watches movies and TV and writes about them. I like being on other people's sets, but I hate running my own. I'm too much of a control freak, and I can't control everything on a shoot, and I just get frustrated and then I get bored and I don't care anymore. Here's a dirty little secret for those of you with Hollywood stars in your eyes. Making movies is one of the most tedious things you can do with your day. Even when you love it, it's tedious. I do not love it. So it is tediouser.

I had all these designs to hire a crack crew to make my film, and I tried, but I was multiply foiled. Everyone was booked up, so I could only get a few people to help (but those few people were total troupers, I must say). I did hire a Director of Photography, but the poor guy had knee surgery and ended up in the hospital with complications. I couldn't get anyone else to shoot this thing (I even tried bribery and some other highly inappropriate offers to friends of friends), so I had to DP it myself. Last job in the world I wanted. I also had no gaffer. Know what else I hate doing? Gaffing. But gaff I did. Needless to say, my movie looks like shit.

So then we had to show dailies in class today, which I think is totally lame, because I only shot one day...so there's only one day from which to even have "dailies." All my footage was already shot, and I have to hand off the camera, so what was I going to change anyway? So, we spent an excruciating half hour talking about why my footage sucks. And I'm all, look, I know it sucks, okay? I'm not a moron. I know it sucks, and I know WHY it sucks. Can we move on?

But no, we had to agonize over why I'm a failure. Hello, YOU'RE the ones who made me take this cockamamie class! And then you made me fight to get into it because you didn't reserve enough spots, and I can't graduate without it. It's a good idea in theory, and it could totally be great, but this class is the biggest clusterfuck I've ever seen. You think my movie sucks? You are correct. This isn't what I do okay?

I'm the last person who should be handed a multi-thousand dollar HD camera.

Can I just get this done and you can give me the pass and we can never speak of this again?